An Expensive Conduit of Cinnamon Toast

Dear every hot girl in the world,

Hello there.  I wanted to take the time to address you on behalf of myself, and the common nice, non-rapey, non-threatening, non-giant-sunglasses-and-spikey-haired, non-truck-driving, non-sexist, non-listen-to-hip-hop-to-sound-cool-even-though-I-don’t-actually-like-it, non-beer-pong-obsessed, non-frat-bro, non-roofie-giving, non-Green-Day-is-the-greatest-band-of-our-time, non-Abercrombie-wearing, non-let-me-buy-you-a-drink-because-my-buddy-and-I-are-tied-for-the-number-of-girls-we’ve-boned-so-I-gotta-bang-you-to-beat-him, non-knuckle-pounding, non-beer-swilling-football-is-life, non-I-have-4-DUIs, non-pushup-frenzied, non-military-buzz-cut-cause-chicks-like-dudes-in-uniform, non-hit-on-my-buddy’s-girlfriend, non-guitar-guy-at-the-party, non-Dane-Cook-is-the-only-comedian-I’ve-ever-heard-of, non-tattoo-of-a-grenade, non-V-neck-wearing, normal, friendly and average guys in the world.

I’d like to first point out that my species is in no way like the aforementioned species.  I know you have a sneaking suspicion that either we’re them, or we’re giant nerdbags that play D&D in our closets whilst guzzling liters of Mountain Dew and listening to Rush, but you’re wrong on that one.  We’re actually not too bad.

Secondofly, I’d like to make sure that you understand that life is much, much easier for you than other people.  Or perhaps you think that everybody gets lots of free drinks at bars?  Or everybody is guaranteed jobs in retail, foodservice, or bartending?  Or that if you want to be in the entertainment industry, you can become famous, regardless of your level of talent?  Just making sure we’re clear on that.  Don’t get me wrong though - if you have an XX chromosome, there’s no reason for you to ever pay for a drink at a bar.  If you are paying for drinks at bars, you have screwed up somehow.

Now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine a world where you don’t have any of these privileges.  I know, it’s terrifying!  Imagine a world where strangers have never complimented your looks or no one’s ever bought you a drink.  It’s hard, but stay with me!  Now open your eyes.  These horrifying nightmare images you just experienced are real - in fact, they are OUR WHOLE LIVES.

So, when an average looking nice dude, like myself, tries to make you laugh or smiles at you in a bar, we’re not being creepy, we’re just being friendly.  It is our natural desire to… well, desire you, and there’s really not a lot we can do about that.  In fact, the only person that can stop us from thinking that you are hot is yourself.  So quit looking so hot, if you don’t want us to notice that you’re hot.  Then again, if you talked to us, maybe you’d like us.  BUT WHO KNOWS.

Now, I speak specifically to you, the hot blonde girl I talked to at Eagle’s Drift-In Lounge a few months ago.  When you dropped your ID on the ground, and I went outside to give it back to you and said, “Excuse me”, I sure thought it was a hoot when you turned around, looked at me, and said, “No way, I’m not that drunk” and proceeded to crack yourself up.  I handed you your ID and you said, “Oh. Thanks” and then hopped into the cab you’d called.

I have a lot of regrets in life, hot blonde girl outside of Eagle’s Drift-In, but one of my greatest regrets is actually returning your ID to you in that moment.  I wish that instead, I’d thrown your ID to the ground, pulled down my pants, and taken a giant, steaming dump on your ID.  I wish I’d picked it off the ground then, and flung it, boomerang-like, at your throat, and given you a bruise/scar in the shape of the words, “I AM A SUPERFICIAL SHITBAG”.  And then I wish I’d quoted Han Solo, and backflipped onto a unicorn and galloped away.

It’s a bummer that because we - the average nice guys - don’t look like Ryan Gosling, we probably won’t be able to be with women who look like Rachel McAdams.  We’re trying to swallow that pill every day, so the next time we offer you your fallen ID, or even smile at you, maybe just smile back.  You don’t have to date us, or like us, or even talk to us.  But just make us feel like maybe we have a shot.

Sincerely,
Wilder Shaw

PS -
I can’t blame you for digging men with accents.  I myself would give Jude Law the D.  He is a sexy piece of man.