OOOOHHHHHHHHH, THEY’VE DONE IT AGAIN THEY’VE DONE IT AGAIN.
It seems that Gawker’s sole purpose is to write lists that are intended to infuriate me.
You may remember last year when Gawker wrote a fruit ranking that sent me over the edge. (I was also infuriated recently by a ranking that Thrillist did of the best type of sandwich, but I can’t really pin that on Gawker. I guess I just wish these sites would just LEARN THEIR PLACE AND QUIT RANKING SHIT LIKE A BUNCH OF HILL-PEOPLE.)
They probably figured, “Sure, Wilder loves fruit. But what else commonly includes fruit that we can incorrectly rank in order to turn him into the Incredible Hulk?”
What they’ve done, internet, is ranked pies.
It’s important to note, before I rip them and their entire families to shreds, that I love pie. I love pie a lot. I love pie more than cake. You might say, “But cake has frosting”. And I might say, “Get the hell out of my face before you and I have a problem.”
After their embarrassingly short-winded preamble about the fact that they’ve decided to meddle in the dark arts of ranking pies, they jump into the list, which is, in no uncertain terms, pure villainy.
Here’s what they said.
19) Orange Pie (I’ll agree this belongs at the bottom of the list because, honestly, when was the last time anybody on this planet ate an orange pie? I’ve never seen it on a menu anywhere, and I’ve never seen somebody prepare it.)
18) Miscellaneous Lesser Berry or Mixed Berry Pie (ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? HOW DARE YOU WRITE A SPECIFIC-ASS LIST OF PIES AND THEN STICK A TITLE LIKE “MISCELLANEOUS LESSER BERRY OR MIXED BERRY PIE” ON ONE OF THEM. AM I TO TAKE THIS TO MEAN THAT ALL BERRIES ARE OF EQUAL DELICIOUSNESS? A BLACKBERRY PIE IS ONE BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN A BLUEBERRY PIE.)
17) Rhubarb Pie (First of all, nobody in their right mind eats plain rhubarb pie. If you have a brain, you do a rhubarb-and-some-other-fruit pie. Secondly, RHUBARB IS VERY GOOD SO SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH.)
16) Lemon Meringue Pie15) Peach Pie (15? Ya’lls are smoking crack.)14) Custard Pie (WHAT KIND OF CUSTARD BE SPECIFIC WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS EVEN TAKLING ABOUT)13) Bean Pie (Look, I’ve never had this type of pie, but don’t you dare look me in the eye that a pie made of f*cking beans is better than a peach or a rhubarb. Or even a peach-rhubarb.)12) Strawberry Pie (YOU F*CKING HILLBILLIES JUST SAID ALL BERRIES WERE THE SAME AND NOW YOU GET IN MY FACE WITH STRAWBERRY PIE OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH I’M SO MAD)
11) Coconut Cream Pie (Are you a clown? Cause that’s the only reason anybody should even speak about this pie.)
10) Banana Cream Pie
9) Blueberry Pie (GOD DAMMIT ANOTHER BERRY PIE YOU JUST F*CKING SAID THAT ALL BERRIES WERE THE SAME I AM GOING TO FREAK OUT. ALSO, NO. NO, NO, NO. BLUEBERRIES ARE SUCH A SHITTY FRUIT.)
8) Apple Pie
7) Cherry Pie (Better than apple? WHAT F*CKING PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON.)
6) Peanut Butter Pie (I guess this kind of sounds good, but it also sounds like something that rejected member of Smash Mouth named Guy Fieri would have invented. AND IT’S NOT BETTER THAN APPLE PIE, I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH PEANUT BUTTER IS IN IT.)
5) Pumpkin Pie (I think it’s overrated, but at least now we’re dealing with things that other people on Earth can agree with.)
4) French Silk Pie
3) Pecan Pie (NO. WRONG. WRONG. NO.)
2) Key Lime Pie
1) Sweet Potato Pie (There is literally nothing I can say to that. It’s just so confoundingly stupid that I’ve chosen to bang my head against the wall several times instead of craft a response.)
I don’t know, man. I just don’t know. At this point, I have no choice but to assume that the editor-in-chief of Gawker is Voldemort.
Now shut your mouths and listen up. I’m gonna learn you nerds some knowledge about pie. There are two types of pie in this world. Fruit pie, and dessert pie. The fact is, I just love fruit pie a lot more than dessert pie, so it would be unscientific and unprofessional of me to re-order this list. I’m not in the pie game to dick around like those Philistines over at Gawker.
I will tell you this. My favorite pie is strawberry rhubarb, and nobody on this planet makes it better than my mom. I don’t care what you say. (Though, honorable mention to the Amish, who I believe put opium in their pie because one time I had a piece of pie that an Amish person sold me - long story - and I never felt higher in my life.)
I will also tell you this. Pumpkin pie is one of the most overrated things on this planet. People flip their dicks over pumpkin pie, and I really don’t understand why. It’s fine. It’s just fine. But it’s not a Top Five pie.
What is the process of coming up with these lists, Gawker? Do you write some words on a piece of paper and then just smoke a ton of Amish opium until there are numbers next to them? Because that’s what it seems like. And when you say very deliberately hurtful stuff like, “Sweet Potato Pie is the best pie” I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry.
Their lists are so wrong that it almost begs the question — Are these lists written with malicious intent?
Yes. I think yes.
My left nut is defending The worst.
I was like, nah blood.
Hodor carry a spare bowl of candy beans!
My original 5 dollar footlong commercial,
Sometimes you just gotta eat.
It’s a mountain of pizza-flavored ice cream.
COME ON DOWN,
Only 44 more days of my name.
Richard Branson must be Tobias Fünke
He frequents Astro Blasters.
Nice try Faulkner
Asked a hundred colors
We’re live in my emotions.
Lawler’s Law. 800!
It’s a thing
The internet try to make MOVIES and request an old short play I wrote.
I have a guy.
Go Damon. Gortar. Gortar is the theme song.
So in case you’ve missed it, there’s an app for Facebook called What Would I Say?, and it’s the best thing in the world.
It basically generates “statuses” out of phrases you’ve used on Facebook before. I’ve decided to write some poems, based on what it’s generating for me. Every line of the poem is exactly what the app generated, in the exact order it generated them.
The internet EXPLODES INTO AN UPROAR.
Oh man, David Yates.
So I can feel my molecules oh,
I have the world’s only fan.
Just posted a huge one.
My buddy Larry’s creepyass CORGI,
Penguin 1 Human Mission LOG It’s 5 Hour Energy.
Suck it so much.